Shaunna Faye

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Is marriage hard?

Look, I know I'm only 2 years into this thing, but is marriage really that hard?

Maybe it's just because I've had some retarded hard relationships in the past that my relationship with Chris seems so easy.

I have another theory too...

I think a lot of people that struggle so much with being married don't have that "this is permanent" mind set. In the back of their heads there's always that thought that they can just quit and get out and move on.

In my head, I think that this is it. I've got to make this work because this is it. There's no getting out, so we have to work through this.

Fortunately, being only 2 years into my marriage, I haven't had to deal with anything so serious. I think Chris and I have only ever had one real fight.

So, for now, I don't think marriage is that hard.

Check back with me in 5 years though and ask me if I've changed my mind.


At 4:58 AM , Blogger Daniel D said...

I have always kind of felt the same way. In our 12 years together (six years married), I can count the huge fights Kimberly and I have had on one hand...and it's not like they were big enough fights to end a marriage or anything.
I think there are two big causes that lead to divorce (there are others, of course, but I'm just thinking of the big two): 1)Shortly after getting married, the young couple realizes that it was a big mistake and there's no way this will ever work, and 2)After years and years, the couple realizes that they have turned into different people who have no business being married to each other.
I think we both passed the first stage with flying colors. The second stage is the tricky one. I've thought about it, and the best preventative measure I can come up with is to constantly "be there" for your spouse. Don't fall into a rut, and continue to treat them like they're the most important thing to you. Over time, I'm sure this can take a lot of effort, thought, and consious action.
In that respect...yeah, maybe marriage can be hard. It's still a heck of a lot easier than falling into the rut and working your way out of it, though...just ask some of the people we know that have been through it.

At 7:17 AM , Blogger Dad said...

You each make good points. After 34 years of marriage you would think I could articulate some pearls of wisdom, but it's not that easy. Here are a few thoughts.

"Is Marriage hard?" Yes/No/Maybe... As Shaunna says, you need to have the correct mindset from the beginning. Then you need to be adaptable to change. Marriage relationships, like everything else in life, change over time. So it's a constant effort to adapt. Having said that, there are some things that won't/don't change, as in certain character traits. You better be at peace with those from the beginning because they "ain't" gonna change. Example: I'm a hugger, Sheri isn't. I've come to terms with that and I'm ok knowing that I'll be initiating all the hugs. On rare occasions she'll surprise me... those are golden moments.

How do you avoid the rut that Daniel mentions? That's tough because we tend to get caught up in the day-to-day... trying to make ends meet and provide for the needs of the family... often overlooking our own personal needs or the needs of our spouse. A few thoughts come to mind to help avoid the rut. (1)When you become a parent, don't stop being a spouse. You still have to find or make time for your spouse. (2)Do something spontaneous/unexpected (even if it's out of your comfort zone) that shows your spouse that you're thinking of them and their needs... like when Sheri initiates a hug. (3)Find something you can enjoy doing together, but also be comfortable spending some time apart... give them some space when needed.

I'm certainly no expert, but if I had to guess what causes most marriages to break up, I'd say one word - Selfishness. And that usually applies to money and/or time. If each partner lives to make the other happy, it's a recipe for long-term success. But when/if only one partner puts forth any effort to make the other happy, eventually that one will get tired of always giving - never receiving.

Something to think about - How do you show your spouse that you love them? Do you actually say, "I Love You" on a frequent basis? To the first question, if you answer I clean the house and do the laundry and cook the meals... wrong answer. A maid can do those things. If you say, I give him/her companionship... wrong answer. You can get that from a pet. What do you do, or how do you behave that's unique to you? As to the second question, I've never met anyone who doesn't like to hear that, even if it's not in question.

Yes, it's hard. Yes, it takes effort. But the rewards are worth it.

At 7:17 AM , Blogger Dad said...

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At 7:17 AM , Blogger Dad said...

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