Bad People

As much as I complain about the difficulties of raising a strong willed little girl, Martha is so sweet and funny and smart it amazes me.

Yesterday after work Chris and I packed a dinner and took the kids to the park. Martha played for a little while but then needed a diaper change. I took her up to the bathrooms and was going potty myself when she started to unlock the stall door.

Me: Martha, close that door and lock it back.
Martha: Why?
Me: Because it's dangerous.
Martha: Why?
Me: Because there are some bad people in the world that might want to steal you.
Martha: But sometimes there are good people that don't want to steal me.
Me: Yes, that's true, but we just have to be careful. Now lock the door, I'm peeing.

As everyone knows, there were 2 bombs that went off at the Boston Marathon yesterday afternoon. Reports were still coming out when we were at the park, so the conversation with Martha was fitting. I'm always weary because there are bad people in the world that want to hurt people, steal kids, destroy lives, etc. But then there's the good people that want to help and save and keep people safe.

I'm glad Martha sees the good.

I work too hard to be ballin' on a budget.

I mentioned in my last post that I was starting on a new project. Since then, I've started 2 etsy stores. Only one has been successful. I've made almost $500 in 2 months. Not too shabby. Half of that was replacing start-up costs though, so I'm just now starting to see the fruits of my labor. It's nice to have a steady extra income that allows me to live semi-freely with random/small/last minute/unplanned purchases. The majority of what I sell are stencils. I offer some random vinyl decals, but let me tell you....I hate working with vinyl. There's too much room for error and too many steps to the finished product. I like the end result but it's a pain in the butt to get there. Stencils are easy. You make the design, you send it to the machine, the machine cuts, you package it up, you're done. With vinyl there's weeding, transfer tape, blah blah blah. Daniel, you can have it. As long as there are DIY-ers and crafters, people will want my stencils. And luckily, there's not a plethera of options for stencils (especially not custom ones like I offer) on etsy right now, so just by having my prices $1 less than my competitors (which still allows for a healthy profit), I'm getting the majority of the orders from what I've seen.

The first few weeks of doing this etsy store I was working out the kinks and staying up WAY too late EVERY night. I had to set limits or I was going to become a zombie. I only do orders every other day now after the kids go to bed. The other days I try to get on the treadmill or finish up other random projects around the house.

Speaking of other projects... I finally pulled the trigger on painting the bathroom. It's been cheap beige since we moved in 4 years ago. Boooooy does cheap beige paint get dirty around lightswitches and toddler height spaces. I picked the color the other day and Chris painted yesterday. I love it! The new shower curtain, cabinet, mirror frame, and pictures are ready to go up as soon as I make sure the paint is set in. (I've learned my lesson of putting up a shower curtain rod too soon after painting. Don't look in my other bathroom.)

Now let's talk about the important stuff. My kids.

Abel will be 6 months old tomorrow!!!
Martha will be 3 years old 2 days later!!!

Frilly, girly, pink, sparkles and princess party is happening on Saturday with family and a few close friends. Matha has her special princess dress, tiara, and jewelry picked out. She's going to freak at her princess cake too. Never did I ever think I'd be throwing a princess party. Lord help me.

Abel is a rolling over fool these days. He can roll all over and scoot himself around in circles. Crawling will be soon. He likes to grab beards, hair, and faces mostly, and man he grabs hard.

We're still working on Martha's potty training. We've stressed the whole "you're turning 3 and 3 year olds pee in the potty" aspect of it. She will go in the potty every day, but it's never every time, every day. It'll happen when it happens, and I'm not worried about it. I feel like it'll be very soon and thank god I can stop buying diapers for her.

Look at these fools. So adorable on Easter. Martha loves Abel so much. She still sometimes smothers him and I have to make her give him some space.

How does this work?

Let me break this down for you.

4:30-5:00AM - Abel wakes up to eat
5:30-6:00AM - Get ready while Abel watches Sesame Street
6:00-6:30AM - Get Martha out of bed and ready
6:30-6:45AM - Drive kids to wherever they need to go
6:45-7:30AM - Drive to work
7:30AM-4:00PM - Work
4:00-5:00PM - Drive home
5:30PM - Dinner
6:00-7:00PM - Play with the kids
7:00-7:30PM - Kids baths
8:00PM - Put Martha to bed
8:30PM - Feed Abel
9:00-9:30PM - Abel goes to bed
9:30-10:00PM - Pick up toys and straighten up house
10:00PM-4:30AM - Sleep

Look at that schedule. This is what happens Monday through Friday. Now when am I supposed to get ANYTHING ELSE DONE?
This is why we have cleaners.
This is why I do laundry on my "work from home" day once a week.
This is why the dishes aren't always done.
This is why I'm exhausted all the time.

I have a new project I'm starting on. Well, that I'd LIKE to start on. Something that allows me to be a little creative. To get this effort going, I need time. But when can I do anything when I don't get into bed until at least 10:00 every night? And do you see that up there? 6.5 hours of sleep. And that doesn't always happen eighter.

I need 27-30 hours in a day.

I need more time to sleep, more time to do fun things, more time to spend on projects, more time for everything.

(If you're wondering where Chris is in that schedule, he's the one waking up at 4:00AM, picking up the kids in the afternoon, making the dinner, helping with one kid while I'm helping the other, and trying to get in bed by 9:00 so he's not exhausted too.)

How am I supposed to function like this?

A New Year

I don't want to jinx it, but Martha's been crazy good lately. I know, I know. "It won't last." I'm aware that a toddler's temperament changes by the second, but I can safely say that she hasn't had a major meltdown in about a week. Trust me, Chris and I were amazed when even one day went by without a colossal fit. We were talking to each other about it in hushed tones as to not spook it away.

I started reading a book called The Happiest Toddler on the Block and although I haven't finished it yet (what mom of 2 with a full time job has time to read?!) it definitely has given me a few tips on calming a crazed toddler and even preventing a crisis when you see it coming. I've tried it on Martha twice and it really does help. One time she even looked at me kind of funny and almost started laughing because the way you have to talk to them when they're losing it is in "caveman" terms. Everything very simple and broken down. She already has such an extensive vocabulary that she probably thought I was crazy talking to her like that. Either way, it calmed the situation and that's all that matters.

Anyway. We had a great Christmas and New Years and we're all trying to get back to our normal schedules now which means I haven't been on time to work all week. Anyone have a tip on how to get a 2 year old to move faster in the morning? It really shouldn't take 30 minutes for her to brush her teeth and put clothes on. Right now it takes about 10 minutes to get her out of the bed, 5 minutes to brush teeth, 10 minutes to put clothes on, then 5 minutes to put on her coat and get out the door. I get it... Waking up at 6:00 AM sucks, but there's just no way around it. Waking her up even earlier is a terrible idea cause then she'll just be more tired and cranky.

All in all, we're all doing really well right now. I feel like everyone is adjusted to having Abel around. But if you ask Martha if she wants another little brother or sister she'll tell you "No, just me and Abel."

At my wit's end.

There was once a time when every single day with Martha was 100% joyful and perfect and I couldn't soak up enough of her amazing spirit. Then she turned 2. And all hell broke loose. Now there isn't a day that goes by that I don't have to stop and say a silent prayer to help me through the next five minutes without totally and completely losing my mind.

I'm convinced that these aren't normal toddler fits. They can't be. If everyone's toddlers acted the way that Martha does on a daily basis, the world's population would come to a screeching halt because pro-creation of a second child would be absolutely out of the question. No one would voluntarily put themselves through this more than once.

Yeah, I got pregnant with Abel before the freak show started.

If you ask me right now if I want to have a third kid, my answer would be an astounding "HELL NO." I'm already dreading this stage of Abel's life. I look at him now and think that there is no way he could ever be as defiant as his sister, but I have a feeling I'll be looking back at this post in 2 years laughing. (Laughing because I've gone insane.)

Tonight I found myself googling the phrase "defiant toddler." While I was trying to put Martha to bed, I tried harder to keep my cool. I tried some of the tips that other parents gave on dealing with a child that does the exact opposite of what you need them to do. They didn't work, so I took my own approach. I let her win some of the battles.

It went against everything I believe in. I don't know if by doing so will make tomorrow harder because now she knows that she CAN win. But at least, for tonight, it got her in bed. It took another 20 minutes to convince her to let me lay in bed with her for a few minutes, but I knew it needed to be done.

Laying in bed with her with the lights off is the one place that I feel we can really connect and that maybe, just maybe, she will listen to me. The girl that just an hour earlier was kicking, screaming, hitting, taking off her diaper, and yelling at me to "GET OUT!" was now sharing her pillow with me, covering me up with her blanket, touching her nose to mine, and staring into my eyes not saying a single word. I grabbed that moment and told her how much I love her and how much Daddy loves her. But I also told her that it makes us very sad when she yells at us and doesn't listen to us. I said "We've had kind of a rough week so far, huh?" She said "Yeah." And that was it.

This is, by far, the most difficult time I've had being a parent. I've been told (by my parents) that it won't be the worst. If that's true, I'm going to need a lot more patience. Or knowledge. Or a miracle.

Black Friday

It was "Black Friday." All the crazy people were out getting deals at the crack of dawn. I was at home packing our bags for me, Martha, and Abel to ride up to Nashville with my parents to go visit. I had called my mom earlier that morning to see what time they would pick us up. She called me back a little bit later and said that Noni had just called her. That Paw Paw had collapsed and was on his way to the hospital. She said she wasn't sure what was happening so she would call me back when she knew. I stopped packing. Then a few minutes later my phone rang.

Me: Hello
Mom: Hey
Me: Hey
Mom: He died
Me: ……what happened?
Mom: He had a heart attack. After he collapsed at home the paramedics came and they were never able to bring him back.

After I got off the phone I went into Abel's room because no one was in there and there's a thing on the doorknob that prevents Martha from opening the door. I sat down on the foot stool and cried.

Martha had been running around the house all morning being so excited to go see Noni and Poppywaw. (The grandkids call him Paw Paw, but the great-grandkids call him Poppywaw.) She wanted to give Poppywaw a painting she made "to make him feel better" because she knew he'd been sick recently. I told her that I bet he would really like that. I still think he would have.

After I dried my eyes I went back into our bedroom where Chris was and told him what happened. Then asked him "What am I supposed to say to Martha now?" There's no easy way to say something like that. And 2 year olds don't grasp the concept of death too well. Martha knows that Harley and Grandmother are in Heaven. (Granddaddy too, but she was a baby when he passed away so she doesn't remember it.) I started telling her that we weren't going to go to Tennessee today. That we'll go in a few days instead. And "Remember when Poppywaw was sick? Well, sometimes when people are sick they don't get better and they go to heaven. Poppywaw went to heaven today."

She said "ok."

Knowing that she didn't really get it, I had to go on explaining that when people go to heaven we don't get to see them anymore. So when we go to Tennessee in a few days, we don't get to see Poppywaw. I feel like that's as well as I could have explained it. Chris had to jump in there and help me when I started crying. I didn't want to freak her out. She's only see me cry a few times in her life. Chris tried to help me talk to her, but we both just couldn't keep tears back.

When we all went up to Tennessee for the memorial service I started getting more and more information on exactly how things had been the past few months and the events that happened on the day that he died.

My cousin Nick has always been close with Paw Paw but before he died they'd become more than just Grandfather and Grandson, they'd become friends. Best friends. Nick was one of the people that stayed overnight a lot with him when he was in the hospital to make sure he was always ok. I always saw pictures Nick would post on Facebook and Instagram of them and comments about the conversations they would have sometimes. I recall leaving a comment on one of the pictures that said I'm sure that Noni is really proud of him for helping out so much and being there. Nick was at their house when Paw Paw collapsed and the paramedics came.

When Noni's house was flooded with family and friends the day that we got to Tennessee I heard her tell the same story to at least 10 people about how much of a blessing Nick is. She said that is one of the main things God had shown her when Paw Paw was sick...that Nick had a big heart and she was so proud of him for stepping up like he did.

I feel like I saw that side of Nick when we were growing up too. I remember one time when we were all kids, everyone wanted to play Twister. I said I didn't want to play because I was too embarrassed to admit that I didn't know right from left. Without hesitation, Nick picked up on my reluctance and gave me stickers that had "R" and "L" on them that I could stick to the tops of my feet so I would know and could play with them. He told me that he forgot sometimes too so the stickers helped him. How cool is it that a little boy could pick up on my hesitation and turn it around so I wouldn't have to feel embarrassed? That just shows you how genuine he is. I'm glad he didn't lose that compassion over the years growing up like so many people do.

I wish Paw Paw could have met Abel. That's who he's named after, after all. (James Abel) I couldn't have asked for a better grandfather. I'm kind of mad that he's not here anymore. I really wish I could see him again because I know he would say something that would make me laugh. But I also know that he was starting to not be himself anymore, so maybe God took him before I could see that other side and have an altered memory of him.

Before we left Tennessee to come back home, I took Paw Paw's slippers and one of his hankies. I wanted something of his to keep. Chris and I slept in his room while we were there. It made me feel a little bit connected to him. Everything was still in its place and it was eerie, but also comforting.

This has been a hard death for me to deal with, but the memories I have of Paw Paw will never go away. And I'm glad I have siblings and cousins that can help me remember how awesome of a guy he was too. We'll never forget how much he loved us.

Abel's Birth Story

Abel is 2 weeks old today and I'm just now finding the time to sit down and write about the morning he was born.

For some reason my kids like to make their way into the world late night/early morning when Chris is already asleep.

I had my regular doctor's appointment Monday morning (the 15th). I was 38 weeks along at that point. Chris actually came with me that time because they were doing another ultrasound to check Abel's weight to see if they wanted to induce early if he was getting to be too big. I can't remember exactly but I think they said he was looking to be a little over 9 pounds. 9.3 maybe? Anyway, we saw a different doctor that day and she wasn't ok with setting an induction date until I hit the 39 week mark which was a week later. She asked if I wanted her to do the membrane sweep/strip to see if it'd help things move along. It's as painful as it sounds like it would be, but when they did that when I was pregnant with Martha, I gave birth 4 days later, so I was more than ok with doing it again this time.

She did it quickly but lord almighty it hurt even more than I remembered. Chris was in the room when she did it and he can attest...I almost came off the table. Aaaaaanyway. I left the doctor's office really bummed and feeling all crampy like you're supposed to feel after something like that. I thought I'd be setting up an induction date the next week for sure.

We went and picked Martha up from my parent's house and spent the rest of our day like it was any other day. Later that evening I was feeling some light contractions but they would go away when I stood up and walked around. I still felt like I should get prepared though...maybe I really knew deep down that something was happening. So while Martha and Chris were in bed asleep, I was getting last minute things together.

Contractions got stronger quickly and weren't going away anymore so I woke Chris up (twice because he fell back asleep after the first time - he says he doesn't remember me waking him up the first time) and called my Mom. She and my dad came over to the house. My dad stayed there while Martha slept and my Mom followed us to the hospital in my car. I swear, I couldn't get out of the house fast enough. Contractions are no joke, y'all.

We got to the hospital and into a room a lot faster than I expected, thank God. I got changed and all hooked up. They told me I was about 45 minute away from an epidural though because there were several people in line before me. Uh oh. They offered some other kind of IV pain meds to take the edge off. Praise Jesus! It held me over until the wonderful epidural man came and made all my dreams come true of not feeling a dang thing below the waist. We'd find out later that the epidural was a good one because I literally couldn't move my legs an inch on my own for much longer than normal. And forget about feeling any sort of pressure that would let me know when to push. Ha ha. The nurses had to tell me when I was having a contraction so I could push.

And here's the awesome thing...There was a clock right in front of me on the wall. I looked at it when I started pushing and it was 7:00 AM on the dot. Abel was born at 7:13 AM. 13 minutes of pushing and he was out. Hallelujah!

They put him up on my belly so I could see him and he looked just like I thought he would. They took him to do all the cleaning up and weighing and all that stuff. Chris and my mom got lots of pictures while all that gross "after having a baby" stuff was going on with me. I'll spare you.

Chris and I took our turns holding him a while, of course.

While my mom was holding him a little later on, one of the nurses noticed that Abel was breathing a little fast, so she called the baby nurse back in to check on him. He was having a little trouble, so they told me that they were sending him to the NICU to get checked out. I didn't let myself worry. They told me that some babies just have a little trouble transitioning. While he went up to the NICU I was taken into the room I'd spend the next 3 days in. Turns out it was the EXACT room I stayed in when I had Martha.

We finally got an update on Abel. He was still doing the rapid breathing thing and he also had low blood sugar, so they were going to keep him in the NICU for at least 24 hours to observe him and get his blood sugar normal. Chris went down there often to hold him and feed him. I made it there as much as I could but it seriously took FOREVER for my epidural to wear off. He got moved to the NICU Annex on Wednesday which was nice because it was right around the corner from my room instead of on a completely different floor. Much easier for me to get to.

Update after update from the NICU was frustrating because we would be told that maaaaaybe he could come out of the NICU in 24 hours, then it was maybe tomorrow morning, then it was maybe in the afternoon. It just kept getting pushed back. Finally it was time for me to be discharged on Thursday (a day later than I really should have been) and Abel was still in the NICU. Let me tell you...it's weird leaving the hospital without your baby. That night at home was strange. We kept ourselves busy with Martha and she was so excited to get to meet Abel, but we just had to keep telling her that he was still at the hospital and it might be a day or two before she could see him. (She could only see him through the window at the hospital because kids aren't allowed in the NICU and also because she did have a little bit of a cold.)

Side note - when you're told that you have to leave the hospital without your 3 day old baby, it's hard to keep it together. Neither Chris nor I cried at that moment, but I will admit to breaking down later on that night when I was at home and by myself for a few minutes.

Friday morning we took Martha to my mom's so we could go see Abel and on the way there got a call from the NICU nurse saying that he would be allowed to go home that day so we should bring all the necessary things to take him with us. Woo hoo!!!

I still get nervous when I see him breathing a little fast, but I know he's ok. He's a perfect, sweet boy and I'm so glad to be this little family of 4 now.

We're still not sure if we'll stop now or if we'll have one more. Our minds change about that on a daily basis. I guess only time will tell. If we decide that this is it for us, I'm 100% ok with that. I feel complete as a family as it stands. But, we'll see.

Things at home over the past 2 weeks have been good. He's still sleeping a ton during the day and not so much during the night, which I'm hoping will stop sooner rather than later, but other than that we've had no problems.

Martha is so sweet with him and wants to help out all the time. Sometimes too much. I had a break down moment when she was throwing a fit about something and accidentally hit him. No one was hurt. She barely touched him. But we had to get on to her for something like that happening so she'll learn to be careful around him. She was SO UPSET that she hit him that she started crying, which made me cry. She kept asking where she hit him and if he was ok. She has such a tender heart and it made my heart break that she was so broken up about it. I had to hand Abel over to Chris and cuddle her and cry with her for the next half hour to just get it all out of my system.

So, as you can see...my hormones are still leveling out. Ha ha. I'm getting the hang of having 2 kids. I really look forward to when Abel is a little older and can really recognize what's going on around him because he's going to love Martha so much. She can't wait to play with him. She reminds me of that every day.