Shaunna Faye

Thursday, December 07, 2006

I ran out of chill pills.

I just wrote a whole big post about me having a panic attack this afternoon and what caused it and all that junk and then lost it all. So instead of re-writing it all I'll just sum it up.

Work
Stress
Quarterly Review
Long, boring online testing allllll day
More stress
Traffic
I canceled plans with Casey
Called Meredith
Talked about marriage, engagements, and babies
Got off phone
Panic attack driving down the road
Hot, couldn't breath, heart racing, no good
David talking talking talking talking talking


Basically I freak out about once every two months because everyone around me is engaged, about to get engaged, married, about to get married, just had some babies, or is about to have some babies. And where am I? No-freaking-where near that. I used to freak out because I was too near all that. Now I'm the opposite. For some reason I have it in my head that 23 is too old to not be with someone. My sister-in-law was 23 when she married my brother and they dated for like 5 years or something before that.

What scares me about marriage is that people disappear when they put that ring on their finger. And that's what is happening to everyone I know. People will be disappearing left and right. Moving to the suburbs, getting SUV's, mowing lawns, going on double dates with the neighbors. The thought of becoming one of those people makes me cringe. I want the part of marriage where someone depends on me, where someone loves me even when I don't look nice, where they ask and care about the details of my day. What did I have for lunch? Oh, a bologna sammich, some pringles, and a Vitamin Water. I want to keep my friends and not have to make all new married ones just because I'm married. Is that even possible? Am I reaching for something that isn't even an option?

My brother says that he likes all those things that came along with marriage. He doesn't hang out late like he used to. He does yard work on the weekend. He goes to early movies. He goes on double dates with Goose and Lily if they can find a sitter for the twins. He says he enjoys those things and although they may not be good and fun for some people (me), that's just the way he wants them and that's ok.

I want marriage. I want companionship. But I don't want all that.

4 Comments:

At 5:44 AM , Blogger Jeffrey said...

no worries. marriage doesn't have to involve those things you loathe. I think it's actually healthier to, not only have "married friends", but to CONTINUE other friendships as well. Girls need to go run around with girls sometimes. Guys need time free from you chickies. To not do so may be a step into the realm of co-dependence.

Don't get me wrong, my wife is my BEST friend and she is my favorite person to be around. But that doesn't mean I don't like hanging out with just the guys, double dating with other married/engaged/dating couples, AND my wife and I hanging out together with some single friends.

blah, too long of a comment...

 
At 12:14 PM , Blogger Johnny C. said...

Yo dude, me neither!

The older I get the more I don't really want to be married, especially since the majority of marriages I see around me fail.

I

 
At 12:41 PM , Blogger Heather said...

I agree with Jeffrey. Time away is much needed in a marriage. We both have our friends and then we have married or engaged friends. We spend lots of time together but we're not reclusive. When you're first married, you need time to just be with your spouse. But even then you don't have to neglect people. We go to early movies because it's cheaper and do yard work on the weekends because it's fun. I can't explain the going to bed early thing, it just happened when I got married. Weird.

 
At 10:27 PM , Blogger ginger said...

don't knock suv's... and they're NOT just for the married folk.

marriage sometimes does weird stuff to people-i'll agree. but it's encouraging because many of my recently married friends haven't changed much at all (including you, jeff). priorities shift a little bit, but that's healthy.

on the other hand, i have some married friends that have turned into reclusive freaks. sucks for them. they'll be 60 and wondering why the hell they had such a boring life.

 

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