Shaunna Faye

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Things I'd rather forget.

I had part of my past handed to me in tangible form on Sunday night. Emails and blog posts that my parents printed out from way back when. My Mom had forgotten about them for years and ran across them when she was looking for something in the hope chest in her bedroom. She asked if I wanted to look at them. I said no. But then said yes. I'm not really sure why.

That was a mistake.

I'd put that part of my life WAY behind me, where it belongs. At first I thought it'd be funny to read all that stuff. After all, my family makes jokes about those 2 lost years of my life all the time. So just for kicks I started flipping through the pages. Horrible. Memories of a time I'd rather not think about came flooding back. I'd suppressed everything that happened back then and I'd already gotten to the point where I had almost forgotten those 2 years ever even existed.

I read through them and Chris read a few that I allowed him to. (Some were too bad for him to read.) While we sat there on my parents couch he said, "God, you were so weak." I said, "I was a different person back then."

Brent wanted to burn the entire folder of pages out in the burn barrel while it was snowing outside, but I just wanted them gone, and now. So in the trash can they went. Out of sight, and into the remnants of the chili scraps that Cyndi was making for dinner.

I didn't think anything more of it the rest of the night until I got home and was laying in bed. Chris was sleeping next to me and I just couldn't get that disgusting feeling out of the pit of my stomach. I felt so ashamed at who I was back then. I let someone treat me like I was worthless. I took everything he said as the truth, turned against my family, and never showed regret. I prayed for the first time in months that night. It sounds terrible to admit, but I don't pray much. I asked God to forgive me for every stupid thing I did back then and to help me not feel ashamed and embarrassed for taking so much verbal and emotional abuse. I wish I could say that I didn't know any better, but I did. I had family and friends telling me every single day that it wasn't the way things were supposed to be. I don't know how or why, but nothing anyone else ever said to me mattered. He was the only one I would listen to.

I don't really know what the people that knew me then thought through that whole thing. I probably don't want to know. It'll only make me feel worse than I already do. Mostly my Mom. I said horrible things to her and completely shut her out. She tried so hard to talk to me and I wouldn't even give her a chance. Ok, I have to stop thinking about it or I'm just going to get upset.

I'm trying to put these feelings behind me. This was, after all, 8 years ago. It's been almost 4 days now and I just can't shake this feeling. I guess at least now I can understand why my parents love Chris so much. He's the exact opposite of everything this other guy was. Had this guy not broken up with me, I'm not sure how long it would have taken me to get the guts to end it with him. And I'm thankful that even after he wanted me back, I stood my ground. A lot of that had to do with Daryl though. He came back from Scotland just in time to help me through all that stuff and introduce me to a few people (Melanie and Rhett). That's how I started making friends again (because I'd been alienated from them for those 2 years) and basically how I am friends with anyone that I'm friends with today.

I guess it's just something that in another 8 years will be pushed so far back in my memories that I'll forget it ever happened again. I really can't wait for that day.


At 5:17 AM , Blogger Daniel D said...

(This may sound like a response from up on my pedestal, but please don't take it that's not how I mean it)

Honestly, none of us EVER blamed any of this...anything on you. Remember, Brent and I thought the guy was cool at one point, too. We were never mad at you...only him. I don't know about anyone else, but I can tell you for damn sure that I've done things I regret. The only way to mentally get over it and move on is to do just that. Move on. Don't make the same mistake again, and I think you and I would both agree that that has been the case. It's pretty obvious that you have spent the years since that era making good decisions, and it has left you where you are now. With a husband that loves you with no strings attached...that hasn't asked you to turn your back on anyone.
I know you'd rather forget those things...I'd like to forget some of the things I've done, too. If we forget them, though, then we forget how far we've come.
I don't want to forget how far I've come.

At 3:19 PM , Blogger Lily said...

i feel the same way sometimes... its like if i come across an old picture or note, and I think "that is not even me, there is no way I ever acted like that" i have not even told goose a lot of the things i did because it is so embarrassing... I really think girls just lose it for a few years... and then you finally wake up and see the light =)


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