2 years

It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years since I had a miscarriage. 2 entire years of moving on. Got married, bought a house, and now I'll be having Martha in about 3 months. I'd have a kid that is old enough to walk right now if it didn't happen.

Every time I pass by a certain lady at work I think about the day I came back to work and she said "Are you pregnant?" I said, "No, I was, but I'm not anymore." And she said, "Oh, you change your mind or something?"

I paused for a second to ask myself if this woman had really just asked me if I'd aborted my baby, then answered "No. It wasn't a choice I made."

I suppose I could have been more clear. Maybe now she thinks that someone made me abort my baby or something. I don't know. I just wonder what she thinks seeing me walking around all huge and 6 months pregnant now. She hasn't said anything to me.

I always wonder what people think is ok and not ok to say to someone that has been through a loss. It's always safe to say "I'm sorry" and leave it at that. Actually, that's probably preferred by most people that have had other weird/not awesome things said to them just because people don't know what to say in a situation like that.

I remember several people telling me "I guess it just wasn't supposed to happen right now." And I immediately wanted to punch them in the face. I guess for anyone that's never been in a heartbreaking experience like that, you wouldn't think that was the wrong thing to say. All I know is that when they said that to me, my brain translated it as "You screwed up the plan" or "God was trying to teach you a lesson" which of course is just judgment on their part (and I don't believe that God would ever do something like that to teach a lesson). It's just never a comforting thing to hear, especially when you've just told all your friends and family that you're pregnant and now you have to tell them that you're not. But maybe it's just me...

My life is perfect the way it is right now. I can't say that I wouldn't change a thing though, because I probably would. Although I got pregnant before I was married and while I was still living at my parents house, which obviously was not planned, and I was scared, and I upset some people, I'd still change the way things turned out so I could have that baby with me now.