Strange

I haven't had to think about my miscarriage in a while. It happened over 6 months ago. When you put something like that behind you, you just hope that you never have to talk about it again.

At work a few days ago I ran into a woman that I hadn't seen since I've been working there again. She asked if I was pregnant. I said no. She said someone told her I was. I said "I was." She asked if I had changed my mind. I awkwardly told her that it wasn't a choice I'd made.

I had my little freak out moment in my head, talked to Kelli about it briefly, then my work day went on. There's nothing to say about it that will make me feel better so I've just made myself push it aside so life without tears can go on.

Well, today I was reading a blog that I had run across (Travis Cotrell) on my cousin's blog (Ginger) and then somehow made my way ever further from there and clicked on a link of another blog from Travis's (Baby Bangs). I just thought it was a silly name for a blog so I wanted to check it out. I scanned through a few entries and came across one where this woman had been terrified when she was left in the doctors office alone after the nurse couldn't find her baby's heartbeat. Her story ended up ok. Another nurse came in and found it, but she mentioned at the end of the entry that she can name off a list of people she knows that have not had the sweet relief of hearing good news. And then she said:

"I am so sorry for everyone who has gone through such a loss, for everyone whose hope deferred has made them heartsick. (Prov. 13:12a) I pray that if you haven't already, you would know your longing fulfilled and that it would be like a tree of life. (Prov. 13:12b)"

I wish I could explain the weirdness of these findings better on here. 1. It's just odd how I run across this strangers blog and read this. And 2. The mention of the tree of life in the bible verse is even more a testament that God was probably betting I'd see this because last night a girl I don't even know said she liked my tree of life tattoo on my arm. I got the tattoo to be a "family tree" because it's right under my family crest, but sure.....tree of life.

I wikipedia'd Tree of Life and it said it's often relating to fertility. I'm just sayin...

I'm not stupid.

It's not a big deal....I promise. But at the time I felt like the biggest idiot in the world.

At dinner tonight my dad and brother were talking about finding Georgia (the country, not the state) on a map. Brent just mentioned that he wondered where it was so he looked it up. Then that got my Dad talking about all the other countries and where they are located. Boring. Yes. I promise we usually talk about more interesting things.

Then I made a HUGE mistake. I regretted saying it the moment it came out of my mouth. I told them that I pretty much could not point out any country other than the one I'm in on a map. Laughter ensued. Continuous, grueling, embarrassing laughter. Brent said something like "If you can't point out Russia you should be kicked off the planet."

Then, they couldn't just leave it alone. No. They had to start asking me questions. Quizzing me. Did I not just tell you that I didn't know? Do you really have to sit there and antagonize me now?

I eventually just got up and left the table.

I wished that my Mom had been in the room. She would have at least said something to take the attention off of me. She's cool like that.

Listen, I graduated high school with academic honors. I'm going to college. I have A's in the classes I'm taking right now. So how is it that I feel like a jackass?

Geography isn't my thing, ok? It never has been. It never will be. If for some strange reason I need to know where Brazil is I'll look it up on my iPhone. Give me 30 seconds. It's just not something that seemed all that important to me when I was retaining information over the course of my life, for the love of God.

All I'm saying is that the lack of knowledge I have for the position of EthiopiaPolandTurkeyPeru did not warrant the ridicule I got. At least I'll be the first person in my family to have a damn degree. Eat it.

Purity is sexy.

I guess everyone learns things in their own way and time. I just can't help but stand frustrated as all get out on the sidelines wanting to yell at people "Look at yourself!"

I'm guilty of not taking good advice. I'm guilty of hurting people knowing exactly what I was doing. I'm guilty of wanting to be the cool/pretty girl that allllllll the guys like. But I've always had enough respect for myself to not treat my body like it was up for the taking.

Remember when kissing used to be a big deal? Remember when you would go out on a few dates with a guy and your heart would start pounding when you had your first kiss with him? God.....that was such an amazing feeling. So exciting! So when did kissing turn into something that you'll do with just about anybody? Someone you don't even have the desire to date, a convenient (or persistent) body in a drunken state, or even a contest.

Once your reputation has been ruined, you can pretty much kiss it goodbye. I've heard some not great comments from guys about people I love and care about that I'm worried wouldn't even phase them. To me, it's a problem when you can't see that there's a problem.

Look at yourself!