Solidify Your Identity

"We tend to become the decisions we make. The more we choose something, the more we become that something. We are all in the process of solidifying our identities by the decisions we make. With each decision we make, we pick up momentum in the direction of that decision." (Letters From a Skeptic by Gregory A. Boyd)

I was told today in an email these exact words:
"You are blinded by your idea of "who i am" or rather "who i was" and that isn't even "who i was" but "what i did."

If someone treats me badly consistently I'm going to think that that's who they are. You are your decisions. If you decide that you're going to take advantage of someone, if you decide that you are going to break someones trust and be dishonest, you become those decisions and those decisions become your identity over time.

Why do people talk and say that you are a certain way (your identity...your reputation)? Because you've made decisions to show that's who you've become.

Sure, we all make the occasional bad decision...the difference is realizing it was a bad decision and not doing it again.

I hung out with Casey tonight. We had porch swing talk. He said something about how things for him need to progress and grow and if it isn't doing that then something isn't right. Someone told me once that if you're not moving forward then you're moving backward. I'm not sure if that's entirely what Casey was trying to say, but that's what I got out of it.

Makes sense to me at least...

"Cause the chase is all you know and she stopped running months ago." - Death Cab For Cutie

People always say that it’s all about the chase. My last two relationships although almost a year apart, only lasted about 2 months each. I think a contributing factor to this is that the chase was over. They already had me and they knew that therefore the excitement was over. When things started to settle (spending every day together, sleeping over every night, people finally looking at the two of you as a “couple”) that’s when it all starts to fall apart. I’ve had my times when I’ve been the one to get out (and get out FAST) when the excitement was over, but that was years ago. You think that people would grow up, right? Apparently not.

Another thing I’ve noticed about my past two relationships…they were with people that I would never end up marrying. Well, I wouldn’t say NEVER, but I’d say that I should have been aware from the beginning that there was a good 85% chance that they weren’t right for me. If I wasn’t in the excitement stage that comes with the beginning of every new relationship I would have recognized this. Would I have decided not to date them? Probably not. They are good people and I had a good time with them. But I probably wouldn’t have believed the first guy when he said that he was going to spend the rest of this life with me. And I probably wouldn’t have believed the second guy when he said that…well…when he said a lot of stuff which led me to believe that we’d be together for a long time. Or at least longer than two months.

So there’s a definite pattern here…I jump into things head first and pretty much lay my heart out on the line. So far that hasn’t been working for me so there should be some sort of change in order, right? Right. Maybe I shouldn’t get so involved so fast. Slow and steady wins the race. That’s what the tortoise taught us. I know this is the probably the safe way to go. But since when did I ever take the safe route?

Call me crazy (and soon I’m sure you’ll be calling me heartbroken again) but dipping my toe in the water just isn’t my style and it never will be.

I'd rather feel more alive than ever even for two months than to feel nothing at all.

I ran out of chill pills.

I just wrote a whole big post about me having a panic attack this afternoon and what caused it and all that junk and then lost it all. So instead of re-writing it all I'll just sum it up.

Work
Stress
Quarterly Review
Long, boring online testing allllll day
More stress
Traffic
I canceled plans with Casey
Called Meredith
Talked about marriage, engagements, and babies
Got off phone
Panic attack driving down the road
Hot, couldn't breath, heart racing, no good
David talking talking talking talking talking


Basically I freak out about once every two months because everyone around me is engaged, about to get engaged, married, about to get married, just had some babies, or is about to have some babies. And where am I? No-freaking-where near that. I used to freak out because I was too near all that. Now I'm the opposite. For some reason I have it in my head that 23 is too old to not be with someone. My sister-in-law was 23 when she married my brother and they dated for like 5 years or something before that.

What scares me about marriage is that people disappear when they put that ring on their finger. And that's what is happening to everyone I know. People will be disappearing left and right. Moving to the suburbs, getting SUV's, mowing lawns, going on double dates with the neighbors. The thought of becoming one of those people makes me cringe. I want the part of marriage where someone depends on me, where someone loves me even when I don't look nice, where they ask and care about the details of my day. What did I have for lunch? Oh, a bologna sammich, some pringles, and a Vitamin Water. I want to keep my friends and not have to make all new married ones just because I'm married. Is that even possible? Am I reaching for something that isn't even an option?

My brother says that he likes all those things that came along with marriage. He doesn't hang out late like he used to. He does yard work on the weekend. He goes to early movies. He goes on double dates with Goose and Lily if they can find a sitter for the twins. He says he enjoys those things and although they may not be good and fun for some people (me), that's just the way he wants them and that's ok.

I want marriage. I want companionship. But I don't want all that.

Ok, that's it....no more country music for me. Apparently I just can't handle it.

I started reading Letters From A Skeptic (By Dr. Gregory A. Boyd and Edward K Boyd.) as recommended by Johnny (http://amindawake.blogspot.com/) and I must say...it's pretty amazing. It's exactly what I was looking for. It's asking and answering all the questions that I've been thinking about. I'll be explaining more in later blogs. Thanks, John.

There's no crying in baseball!

So, every now and then I'll tune in to whatever country radio station is set on my list of second choices in my car. First of all, you should only listen to country music (or Death Cab For Cutie) when you're completely and utterly emotionally stable or else it's just bad news. Second of all, I wasn't exactly emotionally stable yesterday. So this song came on. It's by Sara Evans and it's called "You'll Always Be My Baby." Yeah, I know, it sounds cheesy, and it sort of is, but Lord did it ever get me. I'll let you read the lyrics before I go on...

There I was ten years old
Waiting in my room for him to come home
And I just knew He'd be so mad
Though I begged my mother not to, she told my dad
There was no denying I had let him down
But instead of being angry he put his arms around me and said

In the sunlight or the rain
Brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far-gone
My love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you'll always be my baby

There I was twenty-one
I was so ashamed of what I'd done
On a country road
Parked one night
What started out so innocent crossed the line
There was no denying I had let God down
But instead of being angry,
He let his love surround me
And I heard

In the sunlight or the rain
Brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far-gone
My love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you'll always be my baby

There he is
My little man
I'm sure he'll get in trouble every now and then
And I pray to God that when he does
I'll be just as understanding as my father was
'Cause the last thing that I wanna do is let him down
So instead of being angry, I'm gonna throw my arms around him and I'll say

In the sunlight or the rain
Brightest nights or darkest days
I'll always feel the same way
Whatever road you may be on
Know you're never too far-gone
My love is there wherever you may be
Just remember that you'll always be my baby

Ok, sooooooo...
It starts out talking about how when she was ten years old she did something wrong and she thought her Dad would be mad but instead of getting angry he put his arms around her and said that basically no matter what she's done or where she is he'll always love her just the same. So, obviously, that got the emotions rolling because lots and lots of girls (me included) have Dad issues and it sort of hit close to home. But, I held it together until, of course, the next part of the song.
She then starts talking about how when she was 21 she let things go too far one night and she knew she had let God down but instead of being angry he surrounded her with love and said no matter what she's done or where she is he'll always love her just the same. Ok, now a lot of you know that for the past couple of months I've been struggling with knowing what I really believe when it comes to all that God stuff. So when I heard this part of the song I basically cried my eyes out driving down the street in Atlanta.
I don't usually believe in "signs." I don't ever ask for them. I usually just chalk things like that up to coincidence. But seriously....how could this not be God trying to tell me something? Really... I mean, within the past three months I started dating someone, got very close with him, got broken up with, and the whole time all that was going on I was questioning everything I'd ever learned about God since I was 8 years old. That's a lot for me to handle all at once. But here in this song I'm reminded that no matter how far I go, whatever road I'm on, I'm never too far gone and God will love me just the same. I'm never too far gone and He'll love me just the same. I'm never too far gone and He'll love me just the same. I'm never too far gone and He'll love me just the same. I'm never too far gone and He'll love me just the same.

So I pulled up in front of my house, wiped off my tears, took a deep breath, and went inside.